ocd - the silent assassin

peoples perceptions of ocd focus on cleanliness, and being tidy, when really it is so much more than that.

social media’s inaccurate depiction of ocd meant that an entire generation grew up thinking this disorder was centred around cleanliness and precise organisation. while this condition can appear in this way for some individuals, it is often so much more than this. obsessive compulsive disorder ruins lives.

it was for this reason that people are unaware that the demon they are dealing with is ocd. they are just as blissfully ignorant as every other person online. so they are left with a storm cloud, saturated with guilt, looming over their head and following them around, staining every aspect of their lives, with no one to confide in.

being showered with intrusive thoughts for every waking moment in their day. intrusive thoughts so horrible that you can’t bare to even repeat out loud, in case people make a judgment of your character through them. because although you know intrusive thoughts aren’t a indicator of your morals, you still feel liable about them, and wonder how your friends would look at you if they knew the kind of horrifying, invasive, and unwanted thoughts you have.

for me, my ocd centers around many areas, but the one main type being health ocd. this means my thoughts ruminate around the concept of:

‘if you talk about topics surrounding death and illness, it means you arent taking death seriously.’

‘youre going to develop a serious illness, to show you how serious it is, because you clearly dont think it can be critical’

but this disorder is different, in that it gives you a ‘solution’ to your thoughts, to make them go away, or become inadmissible.

‘just tap on the door 2 times. then it won’t happen’

so you do.

and it becomes apart of your routine. to the point you feel off if you dont do it.

it softens the anxiety, just for a moment. for a moment, your mind is silent. peaceful.

until the next intrusive thought comes.

and suddenly you have a new solution presented to you

‘dont say the word ‘die’ out loud anymore, that way you won’t develop any illnesses’

despite being perfectly aware of how illogical and irrational this thought process is, you comply. because what if it works? what if it reduces the likelihood of your biggest fears, that hangs over your head 24/7, from happening?

so you begin to skip the words ‘die’ in songs. you avoid conversations about death.

and it works.

but not for long. it’s not enough now. the anxiety creeps back, like an cold sore

‘if you stop saying the word ‘kill’ as well, you will prevent any illnesses from developing’

it sounds unproductive to people without ocd, im sure. but the overbearing ‘what if’ factor can outweigh any sense of logic you have left in your brain. because of the alternative. the idea that you will refrain from completing these rituals, and one day you will develop a terminal illness, that destroys your quality of life. and all that you have left is the one smug, self righteous thought, laced in egotism, collecting in the pit of your stomach, saying:

‘i told you so’.

‘this could have all been avoided’.

‘why didnt you just complete those rituals, then none of this wouldnt have happened’.

‘how hard was it to skip a few words?’

you weigh out the two scenarios, and immediately reach a consensus with yourself that completing these rituals is a small price to pay in comparison to what would happen if you didn’t. so the ball starts rolling again, and you continue skipping words in songs. you tap on the wall twice when you walk past it. you avoid any conversations about death or illnesses.

and before you know it, the anxiety fizzles out once again. you feel lighter. you feel more free. more safe. not just that, but less likely to develop an illness. like you’ve levelled out the playing field. now you have the same probability to develop one as anyone else. because you had more of a chance of contracting one than your friends, apparently.

and i believe that is the key to ocd, or my health ocd, specifically. it is able to convince you that your whole being carries misfortune, and unluckiness. your friends aren’t at as much of a risk to the same illnesses that you are, because they aren’t unlucky like you are. they don’t need to carry out these compulsions, because they are more favoured by the world, and the odds are on their side. maybe you broke a mirror in a past life, maybe you walked under a ladder, or opened an umbrella indoors. which is why you have to devote your entire life overcompensating; distancing yourself from your innate misfortunate state as much as you can.

this cycle continues, each compulsion more restricting and severe as the last. until eventually, you are confined into a compacted, cramped room, with nothing to comfort you anymore, except the doctrine of self-imposed rules for yourself, filling up your brain to the point it is all you can focus on. you have no more brain power to put into any other area of your life. instead, you are left checking each compulsion of a large list, ensuring not to miss a single one, because even one will set you back, and undo the years worth of mental-labour, rewriting your own fate.

but the truth is, your fate was never that you would get an illness. you aren’t more unlucky than your friends. you don’t need to do these rituals to amend your ‘innate misfortune'. it was never real. but it felt real. it felt so real.

which is the exact reason ocd takes over. once you let it in, and do one compulsion, its’ got you.